Stupid Machines!

AND YOU CAN GET FIT TOOOO!!!!! Not my idea of training

AND YOU CAN GET FIT TOOOO!!!!! Not my idea of training

I hate machines. Not the everyday machines that help us in our day to day lives. I love the dishwasher and without a washer and dryer, it would take us a very long time to do our laundry. These helpful machines have freed our time to think of more helpful machines. These are the good machines. The machines I hate are the machines that have contributed to the lazyness of western society. If you have ever been in the store or have been watching an infomercial and have asked yourself the question “well why can’t you just…..” followed by an easy way to do what the machine is made for without waisting money on the stupid waist of space, then it’s probably a machine that I hate.
The machines that I really hate are the ones that that make the tasks that are supposed to be hard work easy. Of course the most important task I’m talking about is training.  When in the hell did someone come up with the idea that physical training was to hard and that we needed to invent a machine to make it easier!!? That’s the definition of a machine.  The meaning is that of a device having parts that perform or assist in performing any type of work. You see them in all the big name gyms and you see people SITTING in them, pumping out crunches in the crunch machine, puldowns in the lat pulldown machine and curls in the padded bicep curl machine. So why do we need machines to help in physical training?51411rage-against-the-machine-posters1

 

We don’t. Here are some of the reasons I hate machines.

1. They move you. A machine keeps you in plane of motion that the machine moves in. For machines like the Smith Machine, this plane is unnatural for humans, putting alot of undeserved stress on the joints.

You move a barbell. You control a barbell. This teaches you to control other heavy things plus, it’s less stress on the joints that are suppose to last until you die.

2. They’re damned expensive. 500+ dollars for a machine that only isolates your biceps? Please. Why is the fitness market flooding gyms with these overpriced towel racks?

You can get a great barbell and weight set that you can hand down to your grandkids for 500$.

3. Sinse they’re machines, people are suckered into using them. These cool, state of the art, futuristic- looking hunks of metal must work , since some really smart guy invented them and all the gyms around the world can’t do with out them right? Wrong. The fitness industry wants to make money, too. If they can trick you into thinking you need to use this hunk of junk , they can have billions of dollars thrown at them by globo gyms across the world. It’s this whole supply and demand thing that I read about in a book once.

You don’t see anybody tricking you into training with barbells, do you. No, because barbells work. Period. There is no trick.

4. They clutter up the damn gym and waist space for the stuff that works. Powerracks and barbells. Why in the hell is there an inner and outer thigh machine in the space I was using for powercleans last week!!!? Pretty soon I won’t have space to put a dumbell on the ground much less a barbell. Can I have a little space in the corner to move around and lift heavy stuff please? I don’t think it’s too much to ask!

Trash the damn ductor machines and put up a powerrack with a barbell. Two exercises vs tons.

5. They don’t work! You won’t see very good results using machines. Globogyms rely on this to get paid. Especially during new years resolution time. Globogym knows that within a couple of weeks Joe is going to get tired of not getting the results he wants and go back to sitting on the couch with his cheetos and beer. For this reason, globogym normaly doesn’t have a monthly rate. They sucker you into joining from three months to a year, knowing that your going to quit and they got your money. Of course, they can’t wait until next year when you make the same resolution.

Bottom line, barbells love you. They want to take money from you one time and treat you right for the rest of your life. My barbell’s frequently gets called “my mistress”.

 

Where the hell is my sledgehammer?

Where the hell is my sledgehammer?

 Remember that physical training is supposed to be physical. It’s suppose to make you sweat, hard. It’s suppose to produce results whatever your goals, be it performance, weightloss or muscle gain. It’s suppose to be hard work. You should come out of the gym completely trashed and at peace with yourself, knowing that you gave it your all. The next time your in the gym and you happen to have a sledgehammer, trash the buttcheekcruncher in the corner , I’m sure it would be one hell of a workout. When your done, finish it off with a few sets of barbell squats. As far as the scrapped bootycruncher, take it to the landfill, It’s metal is tainted and not worthy of becoming a powerrack or pullup bar, or , dare I say, a barbell!. Blasphemy!

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